Monday, June 06, 2005 @ 12:42 AM
The food served at tea party was a little disappointing today. Maybe they were rather short handed? Edward had to brew the tea, bake the pizza, heat the scones and make the chicken mayo sandwiches for us. Well eventually the chicken mayo was rather hmm not up to expectation. The first mouthful was yum yum and then it was eew eew.
Anyway I spent like the remaining of my 3.2 semesters there and I still think that place is great. I should just eat their scones next time when my appetite is bad.
Work is definitely eating into me.. or should I say my personality is the one that is causing me to have such stress. Being a perfectionist, I hate to see myself making mistakes again and again. You just feel so stupid and you can�t help having the mentality that you are useless. I believe I�m not the only one who feels this way. Vanlisa was telling me that her friend felt useless when she couldn�t complete a simple task properly.
Suddenly from capable, we are transformed to handicapped. It�s like even though I wasn�t a top student back in school but I�m still not that bad after all.. but what�s happening to me right now?
It�s definitely comforting to have friends telling you : it�s okie to make mistakes now.. you are still new, who doesn�t make mistakes right, you are still learning the ropes.
But Sharon how many mistakes are you going to make before you learn, I just feel so afraid, so insecure suddenly.
I start to question my ability, start to wonder if I should consider taking accounting in university, start to wonder if God really wants me to work in iras. I was really thankful that He provided me with a job in iras with such good pay and I�m truly blessed. Right now I wonder, was it that I was desperate to get a job that I did not think twice. Definitely God put me in iras for a reason, to glorify Him.
This weekend was rather moody. Part of it was due to work, maybe my closest friends are down at church camp, my Friday and Sunday did not follow the routine schedule�.
I did have a sunny and relaxing Saturday at sentosa, basking in the sun and enjoying the breeze.. but when I got home, I still feel as empty as before. Friends could fill in my emptiness for a while but not for long.. I felt so vulnerable, so scared. I longed for the protected days I had, when I know that mummy would be there to protect me ( she still does) but things now are so different. Sundays aren�t exactly the same Sundays as before. She used to be at home and I took that for granted. Now Sundays at home is so quiet and I wonder how daddy feels. Does daddy feels lonely without his children around esp now that kor is living with his gf? It seems like im reflecting as though im going to die right? No im not at the brink of committing suicide. AND school is such a sheltered environment, the threshold for making mistakes are still high and how wrong can you get? the most extreme would be failing, getting bad grades and so on. But in the working society.. things are so different.
Many times ( tremendous) I always feel depressed, be it school, friends or relationships with family or people I like, there would be a point of time I feel so negative. Yes they are temporary but they still affect me like crazy. I hate feeling that, feeling so dark inside. Maybe it�s equivalent to feeling gothic, feeling like mood of evanescence music. I dunno wad came over me.. I�m always walking back to memory lane, thinking how much I missed sec sch and poly. Thinking about mummy bringing me to ballet and my typical Sunday with her.
I told ruth something that I normally wouldn�t say. I felt that it is really the evil one attacking, making me feel so miserable, making me lose faith in God�s perfect plan�
I�m not the type to blame Satan for stumbling people but this time round I felt so. I told her that becos I have Jesus in my life, Im able to find reasons to rejoice even though the day sucks and im comforted to know that Jesus is with me all the time. I can�t imagine days without Him. I would be one of those zombie without a soul roaming around, one of those who find no meaning in life ( I do feel that there�s no meaning in life at times) drinking and puffing their lives away, seeking love from the wrong source..
Told ruth that I hate to have this though that I need a BF cos it�s more like I need him to fill up the vacuum in my life. I know that whenever I feel this way, it is indicating that I need God more than ever.
Sigh at the age of 20 and im having my quarter life crisis.. pathetic eh.. Isn�t this age supposed to be the happening peak or the �hippie� stage but right now look at me?
