Monday, September 06, 2004 @ 11:25 PM
My heart is heavy and my mind is filled with everything about us. I have so much to say but i dunno how i should begin?
I felt trapped in this situation that we created. Perhaps all this started from my disobedience, jus like Eve disobeyed God's command to stay away from the tree of knowledge. It was clear cut of what God wanted me to do yet i slowly slipped away from His instructions. It's not that im never satisfied but i jus felt that this totally sucks for our Christian walk.
1st struggle: "the underground affair". ( ahem im not anyone's mistress im not dating a married man with kids) I thot im cool abt it cos yea no commitment no strings attached but its bugging me real badly.You heard abt it and i've talked abt it. This is not a pointing fingers game, Im not blaming anyone. Let's shift the focus back to me. Im your accomplice in this self deception scam, i allowed things to take place. Has it ever dawned on you that we are actually creating memories for tomorrow's regret.
2nd struggle: The liberisation of our affair. Something that i did not expect for fear of gossips and speculations. Are your acts an expression of your love for me? I dunno.. Lips have touched but doesnt mean Hearts have joined. Lovey dovey actions does not provide assurance all the time. So what do you define us now? It struck me that maybe im so concern with the nitty gritty things i want from you that i failed to see the BIG picture, that we aren't ready and everything is meaningless.
I hope a man i love, loves me bcos he sees my great love for God and not becos i fulfilled the basic critieria : Oh she's a christian and my physique. Everything wrinkles at the end of the day.
Perhaps we are each other stumbling block. I hope the next time i fall in love with you, i fall in love with your love for God.
